Big Girls Don't Cry

Tonight, the missing get so intense till I shed tears in bed. I call him but hang up at the second tone and then I text him. After that, I lie on my bed, unable to quiet my mind. The feeling of wanting everything back to where it belongs become so intense. I reach out for my phone, turn it on, read again our most recent messages(may till now). After reading some messages I sent you when we were both back here, my sight is blurred again, so I stop reading and type this:

"I want everything to be back to normal so badly. But every time I view our messages, I just can't. I am not ready...." 

I delete it. What's the point. I laugh at myself. 

Tiff.

"I don't feel any love anymore."

"I don't feel hurt anymore." 

"I am happier."

"I am sure I did the right thing." 

Bullshit.

I am just as sensitive whenever I let myself entering 'that' part of memory.

I still could not accept the fact that you never want to see me after Feb 17.

I still could not understand why you were so reluctant to see me when we were both back in hometown. 

I still feel hurt.

August 31 is coming. 

Life just got harder in August.

Dear God, I really need You. Give me strength, O' Lord, and walk it through with me. Make my heart strong. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen. 

Good night.